When you look at the average American you realized there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

In the United States, anybody can be president. That's the problem.

I'm glad that Americans have trashed their public parks. I especially like that they can't blame it on the Jews, blacks or immigrants. It was all down by ignorant, white-slob American tourists.

When you think about it, attention deficit disorder makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.

America: where Irish, English, Germans, Scandinavians, Poles and Italians all came together to kill Indians, lynch niggers, and beat the shit out of spics and Jews.

We busy ourselves with meaningless gestures such as Take Our Daughters to Work Day, which applies primarily to white, middle-class daughters. More help for the wrong people.

People seem to think that if there's some problem that makes them unhappy in this country, all they have to do is stage a big march and everything will change. When will they learn?

Every sick minutes there's a rape in this country, and boy, is my dick sore. I'm telln' ya, ever day, house to house, there's no letup. It's a fucking hassle.

I don't mind leaving my house as long as I don't have to look at a lot of unattractive Americans in the process. Visors, logo hats, fat thighs, beer bellies, bad haircuts, halter tops, cheap sneakers, camcorders, and unattractive children wearing blank expressions. God these people are ugly. I stay home a lot.

Not Much to do Dept: Someone has actually gone to the trouble of determining that Columbus, Ohio, has the best-dressed police force.

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain shower can delay the launching of a space rocket.

Next time they give you all that civil bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

I don't think we should be governing ourselves. What we need is a king, and every now and then if the king's not doing a good job, we kill him.

I notice at Jewish weddings they break glass. You ever been to an Irish wedding? Glasses, bottles, mirrors, tables, chairs, arms, legs, the band instruments, and the groom's neck. We don't fuck around. Mazel tov!

America has too many fake Irish pubs. Giving your bar an Irish name doesn't make it a pub. The word pub is earned the hard way: tons and tons of puke and thousands of shattered cheekbones.

The Jews are smart; they don't have a Hell.

I have no sympathy for "single dads." Most of these guys got married because they wanted steady pussy. Well, steady pussy leads to steady babies, and steady babies tend to cut down the pussy. So, once the novelty wears off, the marriage disappears. Single dads. Big fucking deal.

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, fucking is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell fucking? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away? I can't follow the logic. Of all the things you can do to a person, giving them an orgasm is hardly the worst. In they army they give you a medal for killing people, in civilian life you got to jail for giving them orgasms. Am I missing something?

Masturbation is not illegal, but if it were, people would probably take the law into their own hands.

My most frequent sex fantasy: to work in a delicatessen and have a woman come in and ask me to give her a pound of tongue.
And I'd say, "Well, I don't get off till four o'clock"
Ands she'd say, "Well, I don't get off at all, that's why I want some tongue."

There's something l like about the clitoris, but I can't quite but my finger on it.

If they decide to cover Viagra under Medicare, we'll all be paying for other people's hard-ons.

What's all the fuss about same-sex marriages? I've been the same sex all my life, and I was married for years. No problems. What the big deal?

I feel sorry for bisexuals. Can you imagine wanting to fuck everybody you meet? Jesus, think of all the phone numbers you'd come home with. Might as well walk around with the white pages under your arm.

I don't like porno movies. They piss me off. First they show a great-looking naked woman who starts playing with herself. And while I'm watching, she sort of becomes my girlfriend. And then, suddenly, in walks a guy with a big dick, and he starts fucking my girlfriend. It pisses me off.

Sometimes they say the winds are calm. Well, if they're calm, they're not really winds, are they?

As long as you've decided to drink all day there's nothing wrong with starting early in the morning.

I think highways should have a beer lane.

Odd fact: When two women with different colored hair walk together on a sidewalk, the one with the darker hair will always be positioned closest to the curb.

Do you ever open the dictionary to the page you want? Doesn't that feel good?

Griddle cakes, pancakes, hotcakes, flapjack: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?

There are eleven teams in the Big Ten.

I was thinking the other day that they ought to make those handicap ramps a little steeper. And put a few curves in them, too. I could use some laughs.

I think the best home security system of all would be one that locks the burglar inside his own house.

How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?

Why don't they have a light bulb that only shines on things worth looking at?

You men, next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.

Most people don't know what they are doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

When they print the year of someone's birth and death, can you resist figuring out how old they were?

Why is it a pile of dirty clothes is called "the laundry"? "I'm about to so the laundry." And then, when it comes out of the machine, it's still called "the laundry"? "I just did the laundry." What's the deal here? Is laundry dirty or clean?

Regarding "safe and sound": I've often safe, but seldom have I been thought of as sound.

When Thomas Edison worked last into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work see that much more urgent.

In applying the stereotype that all old people are slow-thinking and dull-witted, what's often overlooked is that many of these people were slow-thinking and dull-witted throughout their lives. At this point they're simply older versions of the same unimpressive people.

Haven't we gone far enough with colored ribbons for different causes? Every cause has its own color. Red for AIDS, blue for child abuse, pink for breast cancer, green for the rain forest. I've got a brown one. You know what it means? "Eat shit, motherfucker!"

Isn't in nice that once your parents are dead they can't come back and start fucking with you again?

If the police never find it, is it still a clue?

I don't have hobbies, I have interests. Hobbies cost money. Interests are free.

Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself."

When you rub your eyes real hard do you see that checkerboard pattern? What is that?

I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.

Have you ever noticed the escalator handrail and the thing you're standing on don't move at the same speed?

You know one of the biggest rip-offs on the world? Flowers. They grow free all over the world, and yet we pay for them. And then they die. That seems strange. Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and don't ask for our money back. Normally, we'd be screaming at a merchant over something like that: "Hey, what kind of shit is this? Gimme my money back! The fuckin' things keeled right over on the piano!"

Tits always look better in a pink sweater.

A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn't that violate some law of physics?

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

I don't have a fear of heights. I don't, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

No one ever knows what's next, but they always do it.

If you are motivated enough to go to the store and buy a motivation book, aren't you motivated enough to do that? So you don't need the book. Put it back. Tell the clerk, "Fuck you. I'm goin' home. I'm already motivated."

After the hurricane is gone, where do people put all that plywood?

Why don't these people who live in hurricane-prone areas just keep some batteries on hand at home? Seems like a simple thing to me. There's too much last minute shopping.

Attention certain women: Transporting children is not a license to drive slowly.

What's with these super-cautious drivers who pull way over to the far end of a speed bump so their cars won't have to go over the highest point? Are they really worried that speed bumps hurt their cars?

Civilization began its downhill path the day some guy first uttered the words, "A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do."

Near as I can tell, "jack shit" and "didly-squat" are roughly the same amount.

No one who has ever had "Taps" played for them has been able to hear it.

Although it's true that blondes have more fun, it's important to remember that also have more venereal disease.

Whenever they say someone got hit by a "stray bullet" I wonder about the choice of words. It seems to me the bullet isn't stray at all. It's doing exactly what physics predicts: traveling in a straight line. What's so stray about that?

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.

Many people think they have to lie to get out of jury duty. You don't have to lie; tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'll make a real good juror because you can spot guilty people just by looking at them. Explain that it has to do with how far apart their eyes are. I guarantee you'll be out of the courtroom before you can say, "justice stinks."