George Carlin
The society we live in -- Things to think about
Short takes -- Driving -- Breaking news

I often wonder why there's no blue food. Every other color in well represented in the food kingdom. And don't bother me with blueberries; they're purple. The same is true with blue corn and blue potatoes. They're purple. Blue cheese? Nice try. It's actually white cheese with blue mold. Occasionally, you might run across some blue Jell-o in a cafeteria. Don't eat it. It wasn't supposed to be blue. Something went wrong.

Originally, humans were cold so they built a warm enclosure. A house. Everything was fine until they realized that inside the warm enclosure, the meat tended to spoil. So they built a cold enclosure- a refrigerator- inside the warm enclosure. Then everything was fine until they realized that the butter got to hard to spread. So they built an even ]smaller warm enclosure - a butter warmer - inside the cold enclosure, which is already inside the larger warm enclosure. Strange.

I believe you can joke about anything. It just depends how you construct the joke, what the exaggeration is. Every joke needs one exaggeration; every joke needs one thing out of proportion.

Are you sick of this "royal family" shit? Who gives a fuck about these people? Who cares about the English in general? The uncivilized, murderous backward English. Inbred savages hiding behind Shakespeare, pretending to be cultured. Don't be misled by the manners; if you want to know that lurks beneath the surface, take a look at the soccer crowds. That's true British character. I'm Irish and I'm American, and we've had to kick these degenerate English motherfuckers out of both our countries.

Do you ever look at your watch and immediately forget the time, so you look again? And still it doesn't register, so you have to look a third time. And then someone asks you what time it is, and you actually have to look at your watch for the forth time in three minutes? Don't you feel stupid?

Have you ever noticed how sometimes all day Wednesday you keep thinking it's Thursday? Then the next day when you're back to normal, you wonder, why don't you think it is Friday?

Do you ever fall asleep late in the afternoon and wake up after dark, and for a moment you can't figure out what day it is? You actually find yourself thinking, Could this be yesterday?

Things we say:
There is a problem with the term, "Have a nice day." It puts all the pressure on you. Now you have to go out and somehow arrange to have a positive experience. All because of some loose-lipped clerk. Have a nice day, indeed! Maybe I don't like feel like having a nice day. Maybe - just maybe - I've had 27 nice days in a row, and I'm ready for a crappy day. You never hear that, do you?
"Have a crappy day?"
"Why, thank you. Right back at ya!"
A crappy day, that would be easy. No trouble at all. No planning involved. Just get out of bed and start moving around.
Some people always seem to be "great." Not me. I don't give them any superlatives; nothing to gossip around. I tell them I'm "fairly decent." Or "relatively okay." I might just say, "I'm moderately neato." And if I'm in a particularly jaunty mood, I'll tell them, ""I'm not unwell, thank you."

Things we take for granted:
There are a few expressions I believe we take for granted.
Legally drunk. Well, if it's legal, what's the problem? "Leave me alone, officer, I'm legally drunk!"
The greatest thing since sliced bread. So this is it? A couple thousand years…sliced bread? What about the Pyramids? The Panama Canal? The Great Wall of China? Even a lava lamp, to me, is greater than sliced bread. What's so great about sliced bread? You got a knife, you got a load of bread. Slice the fuckin' thing!! And get on with your life.
In your own words. Do you have your own words? Personally, I'm using the ones that everyone else has been using. Next time they tell you to say something in your own words, say, "Nigflot blorny quando floon."

What year is it?
The major calendars disagree by thousands of years. To the Chinese, this is 4699; the Hebrews think it's 5762; the Muslims swear it's 1422. No telling what the Mayans and Aztecs would say if they were still around. I guess their time ran out.
Remember, folks, these are calendars we're talking about, instruments specifically designed to keep track of time. And they'll all different. And they're not off by a couple of weeks, this is thousands of goddamn years we're talking about. How did this happen?
Our current (Georgian) calendar is such an amuature show that every four years we have to cram in an extra day just to make the whole things work. We call it February 29. Personally, I don't believe it. Deep down, I know it's really March 1. I mean it just feels like March 1, doesn't it?
But even that simple quadrennial adjustment doesn't fix things, so every 100 years we suspend that rule and dispense with the extra day. Unless, of course, the year is divisible by 400, in which case we suspend the suspension and add the extra day. But that's still not quite enough, so every 4000 years we suspend that rule to, and back comes February 29!
Here's how we got into this sorry state: The Julian calendar was introduced in 46B.C., the Roman year 709, but it was off by eleven minutes a year, so by 1582 there was an accumulated error of ten days. Accordingly, that year Pope Gregory XIII decreed that the day following October 4 would be called October 15. They just skipped ten days. Threw them out. Officially, in 1582, no one was born in France, Italy, Spain or Portugal during the period of October 5 through October 14. Weird, huh?
But even weirder, Britain didn't adopt the Gregorian calendar till 1752, where they dropped 11 days out of September. Since this also applied to the American colonies, officially, no one was born here from September 3 through September 13, 1752. Except Indians. By the way, during that same year New Year's Day was moved from March 25 to January 1. That was it had been handled before, for example that was March 24, 1750, would be followed by March 25, 1751. Pretty fucked up, huh? And you thought that big millennium party you went to was being held right on time.

The society we live in -- Things to think about -- Short takes -- Driving -- Breaking news


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